YES, finally my inner fatalist got some action!

March 29, 2009 § Leave a comment

If you missed the irony dripping sarcasm in todays headline, look again.

I wasn’t the most sober girl yesterday. Not at all the most sober one actually. Maybe the least sober one. I’m not sure. I’m not feeling well today anyway, not well at all. Maybe it was something in the food?

I’m guessing though that it wasn’t, because all I ate yesterday was a salad. So it’s much more likely that the reason I’m feeling like I do, is the lack of food, not the possible little bacterias in what little I ate.

Anyway I managed to fcuk up quite well yesterday, mostly by doing things that needed to be done, but not while drunk. I had fun though. And I have a hicky bite mark that hurts, that I’m not even really sure how or why it happened. All I know is that I’m blaming Fisk for it. It’s always his fault, one way or the other. jagochstefan

Anyhow, the night ended me in having messed up my relationship with three closer friends (various degrees of friends, and close. Various definitions of the same, but this is no chicklitblog, so I’ll spare you the details), and having made an ass of myself infront of almost-strangers. I fell asleep and woke up wondering why in heavens they let me live at all.
Yesterday it all seemed clear as a day, why I did or said what I did and said, but today it’s blatantly obvious that it was all just some pseudo actions covering up for some self destructive teenage angst shit. I should be locked up.

Well, tonight Little Big Planet awaits, together with Björn, and I’m gonna build cases and stuff for the cellar, so I’ll get over it. I hope. Or I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen.

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Not that I’m in a hurry or anything

March 27, 2009 § 2 Comments

In ten minutes, I need to get ready for going to Skurup, to the school. It’ll be an interesting day today I think. Bente Clod is coming and talking about pedagogics in writing.

As usual it was really inspiring yesterday, especially to talk about our pracs and to vent some of the problems. The core is one thing and one thing only: Being secure in your role as the teacher/leader/mentor. I guess that’s something you need to find within.

I also got a job inteview but 1500 km away, so I might move away from here. That’s nice though, it’s a good job and I need to change enviroment. I really hope I get the job.

I was so happy about that yesterday, but then I dreamed about one of my exes coming around telling me what an idiot I was and treating me like crap, so now I feel like crap -again- anyway. Can I haz sum dignity back puhleeze? I hate it when it feels like every breath you ever took is a misstake. It feels like that today.

Oh well. It’ll feel better later. ^__^

Monday morning thoughts

March 16, 2009 § 1 Comment

The crisis is showing patterns lurking in the shadows
Are we more angry with female bosses than male? It seems like it. People get more upset when a woman is a greedy bastard than when a man is it. Why?

“Sure, you can have equality, but curse you if you turn out to be swines”

Why do people clinge to the idea of the pure and innocent female with superior morals? We all know it isn’t so.
Also, the sudden upswing in old time morals, housewife-ideals, scares me. Last year I breefly dated a guy who asked me “but how will you ever be a good housewife?” because my apartment was in such a mess. I just laughed. I didn’t even understand the question properly, but answered that “hey, why do you think I went to university?”, impliying that I was going to have someone else do that for me, or a husband who cleaned the house, or something. Not until a couple of days later did I understand that he actually meant a stay at home housewife. In this day and age? Is it even an alternative? But it is, again. It’s coming back.

Obama: blame the black guy?
US has a fairly black president. Also, their economy is going poo-shaped. I see a correlation here that is quite ugly. It will be oh so convienient for the US to fall apart while being able to blame the black guy. I think it feels safer, then if they would have to blame a white man, since in heart and soul, many of the US people still consider white americans to be the real americans. Just like we in Sweden consider white people to be the real swedes, even though we have people who are non-scandies that have lived here for three generations.
Did the US need someone to blame?

A mere reading
I read a text about slow reading yesterday and wrote a shorter essay about it. I need to practice that more. To find that way into the text that makes the passive reading into active reflection. Reading is one of the most important parts of writing.

Metaphores
Is there any one who knows how to use the word Hibakusha/hibakusi? I need it for the text. I found a working metaphore now and finaly left the otters behind in the waters where they belong.

I’m applying for a job up in Umeå now, to see if I can spend the summer there. I’ll take a writers class, and hang out up north, write, work and play for the summer. It would be so perfect. I really do hope it works. I feel like I desperatly need to get away to keep my process going. I’m painting myself into a corner a bit right now. And honestly, there is nothing here for me anyway. It feels like I’m breaking up with my city.

Pretty little black eyed suzy

March 14, 2009 § Leave a comment

I’m listening to Guy Mitchell (hand claps!) and am trying to make concious grown up decitions instead of going mad with all energy I have. You see, I’m ill, so I’m not allowed to use it. My ears and my throat hurts like a minor hell. For some reasons that’s it though.

I normally end up seeing everything in a yellow tint and singin’ lullabies to myself when I’m ill, from all the high fever. I lie down in my bed, sweaty and panicky, with pains and ackes. I’m lost for the world.

This time? No, just some pain and a nudging load of energy that is conspiring to make me go outside and make me seriously ill instead of being a good girl and staying indoors.

I handed in 122 A4 pages of text yesterday. One of the scariest days of my life, bar sitting in the ER in Australia waiting for tests… Or being in that motorboat in full storm in Fiji. Oh well, kind of scary anyway.

So much text! Have I written all of that? The moment I handed it in I felt like sending out a message going “oh, and by the way, don’t worry, it sucks, I know”. I wonder how I’d ever survive publishing a text. I know we talk a lot about reading deep enough to find the heart of the text, and find the “good” of that text (the terms good/bad aren’t really appliable when it comes to texts in that way). That there is always a way in, a key. There is no bad texts.

But of all those texts, most of them still aren’t good enough to even pass the mail-room at a publishing firm. 99.7% will never get published. I’d like to pass that needle eye, but my camel is a bit complicated. Everything would be easier if I wrote ordinary prose, but I complicate it all with writing surrealistic, fragmentated and contemporary half-erotica (they claim, but it seems like one sex-scene made it erotica if the main character didn’t feel bad afterwards). It’s a complicated camel. It’s a round needle eye, and my camel is a hypercube. I have to write pretty damn good to get it through there.

Oh well. The text is in and I’ve finally lost my writers block.

Now, all I need is finding my cellphone that I also lost, but in less of a metaphorical sense.

Ok, I gotta write something less horrible

February 12, 2009 § Leave a comment

God, that was a killer yesterday. You see? This is what happens when all I do is listening to radio documentaries or watching TEDtalks. This has got to stop. I have to learn to write those perky blogposts about kittens. How else will I get (more) readers?

I’m off to the library today and off to pick up my tickets for Borås this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have to pay the trip up myself, so that I could go away. I so needed that. Next weekend we’re driving to gothenburg (it seems. Not sure if I can afford it yet) and then I’m off to Umeå for two weeks. I travel a lot more then I think.

Dancing tonight as well. I’m gonna try tomorrow to edit some of my stuff that I’ve filmed this week, to put it here or on facebook.

I also updated the OPS-blog (it’s in the blogroll) with new poetry stuff, and I’m gonna try to get myself to e-mail my old teachers to see if I can fix up the last stuff. I really need to get some plans going for the future. I need something to look forward too instead of having this huge void of nothing ahead of me.

I’m way too pessimistic to see it as possibilities.

The thick girl goes fat friend

February 3, 2009 § Leave a comment

So, I’m apparently thick. This is supposed to be positive. Anycase, today I’m downtown with Cherrybeat (link in SWE) and I realize, standing on H&M, that I’m her fat friend. The fat friend, the “potentially pleasant activity”-blocking* fat friend. How did this happen? How how how did I end up eating food this way? It’s utterly depressing to be big. Just big. Not bigboned, not flabby, just big. I feel like a mix between a house and a greek goddess walking around, drawing attention from men who likes “thick” girls, and scaring everyone else around me senseless with just my sheer volumousity and density.

It felt horrible, to stand there and just realize that I’m one of those you don’t contradict anymore. Nobody says “NO, you’re not fat!”, anymore. Because I’m slowly getting there. And I can’t stop it. I refuse to ever again force myself down that dark empty pit of selfhate that overdieting is. I like liking me. I don’t want to stop.

Anyways.

Noh, sorry. My brain is empty. I’ll be back later.

*Cockblocker. I tried to censor myself since my mom reads my blog. Sorry mom. Urban Dictionary says this: “someone who prevents someone from getting sex.” about cockblocker. You see, mom, it’s just a word! It’s even in a dictionary!

I’m listening…

January 24, 2009 § Leave a comment

.. to Sam Harris: Letter to a christian nation.

I’d like to say that atheists are humble. Humble since they assume that they are not the ones who has to answer. Most of us leaves answering the big questions to the big minds, like Hawkins and his pals. But I can’t claim to be humble. I’m humble when staring into the abyss of possibilities that is the universe, but I’m everything but humble as a person. My bad. Still, this has nothing to do with my atheism. I happen to be a person too, quite arrogant and aggressive even at times. But please, do show me a hardcore religious who isn’t just that.

The freedom of thought, religion and speech does not give you the freedom to be an idiot.

One thing though. There is one problem with atheism vs religion is that atheism is mostly found amongst highly educated or intellectuals, in societies with a functioning and equal system, with fair amount of gender equality and so on. In wealthy enviroments. Can you see what I see? It is the possibility of a new class war. Elitistic atheists (like me) might very well only conjur up underdog feelings amongst the religious. I can’t solve this. But, I can give a suggestion. Let’s not preach for the poor. Let’s put up proper systems for education instead and teach things that are rational. And then, when we all had an equal chance to make up our mind, then, then we can take this discussion again.

I promise you, that the few religious people who would be left, wont be the sharpest tools in the drawer.

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