Too much at once

March 9, 2009 § Leave a comment

I really don’t want to go home right now. I’m supposed to leave in two days, and I feel like selling the ticket and sticking around for a while longer. It’s just so damn expensive to travel between Umeå and Malmö.

It’s very often like this. When I finally can relax, I need to go. It’s like I can’t relax until I know I have to leave soon. I’ve had two weeks up here to write and finish my new webpage, but not until today I feel like I could actually produce something. And if I would work today and tomorrow, I’ll miss out on hangin out with Mim and Lis, so that’s worthless.

But travelling always ends me up here, wanting to stay but going home anyway. Same in Australia, I’ll never get over that, same in Poland, in Malta, in all countries, here in Sweden as well. I always just want to stay another day, but I never can. I always end up going home, getting more depressed, and loosing even more hope.

I need to hand in a new version of the story too, to my mentor. I promised to hand in a script on thursday, and now it all feels completely pointless.

I know I can’t stay here. However much I want, I need to go home and have my life, or what little I have that I could call a life. My wonderful parentals had put some new flowers in my apartment, and fixed some stuff for me. Lots of love for that. (Yeah, they do read the blog)

If only I had the courage to stick around.

Friday, always friday

February 27, 2009 § Leave a comment

It’s completely abfab to be up here. I love it. The only bad thing about it is that I still have to work, and actually do things. But still

Yesterday we went to Elins place and had wine and a very fancy dinner. It was great seeing her again, I tend to completely forget how alike we are. Not maybe as persons, but we share the same interests. We had a really good time, and then we went out to have just a drink and maybe some dancing. Yes, you heard me. We tried to go out on a thursday night. In Umeå. Not my brightest moment. Why? Because this is just around the corner from the end of civilisation, it’s not the place that has fancy clubs on thursdays.

ljudlega1We went to a bar anyhow (Lis went home though, to tired) and had a glass of wine before it was time to tumble home in all the snow. Mim somehow managed to get me to measure the snow depth (if I jumped right into a pile of it, I had snow up to my knees) and role down a four meter pile of it. Good fun. A bit wet though. We had one of those long middle of night, middle of nowhere, middle of drunk conversations about life, love, and how cute one of the guys in the bar was. Just what I wanted and needed. It’s worth the hangover, just that whole smalltalking about the everything.

If anybody wonders by the way, my signature is not on the pic to be fancy pancy, it’s a form of watermark. I’m trying to remember to use it.

Oh, and a request, anybody know of any good serif-fonts that I could use? I need something fresh for my folio.

Ok, I gotta write something less horrible

February 12, 2009 § Leave a comment

God, that was a killer yesterday. You see? This is what happens when all I do is listening to radio documentaries or watching TEDtalks. This has got to stop. I have to learn to write those perky blogposts about kittens. How else will I get (more) readers?

I’m off to the library today and off to pick up my tickets for Borås this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have to pay the trip up myself, so that I could go away. I so needed that. Next weekend we’re driving to gothenburg (it seems. Not sure if I can afford it yet) and then I’m off to Umeå for two weeks. I travel a lot more then I think.

Dancing tonight as well. I’m gonna try tomorrow to edit some of my stuff that I’ve filmed this week, to put it here or on facebook.

I also updated the OPS-blog (it’s in the blogroll) with new poetry stuff, and I’m gonna try to get myself to e-mail my old teachers to see if I can fix up the last stuff. I really need to get some plans going for the future. I need something to look forward too instead of having this huge void of nothing ahead of me.

I’m way too pessimistic to see it as possibilities.

List of things.

January 29, 2009 § 2 Comments

I just got back from dance prac. Good work out today, Maria almost killed me by making me dance for an hour straight. Good fun. (It’s social dancing, Lindy hop. Usually you dance 2 songs and then take a break. This was a bit more then that)

Today has been a good day, got done a fair amount of text editing, and sent some important e-mails. This whole “new era”-thingie is working fine, much better then I thought. I eat better, I work out again. I feel better. I even, oh my god, wrote some poetry yesterday. Haven’t written anything serious in ages, except for poetry slam stuff, but that’s not the same thing.

Did realize before that I’m the exact same person I’ve always been. How much I ever want to deny it, I’m a sucker for teh love. And I still have huge killer hang-ups about certain deal breakers. If they occur in my area code even, everyone in it is contaminated and undateable. Anyone still wondering why I’ve been single more or less forever?I feel it’s a tad bit incompatible to actually want to date people, but have a list as long as — as.. ah well, as long as a very long list.. on dealbreakers.

Here’s a shortened version:

First part: My hang ups about body waste products.

1. Mentioning anything that has to do with human body waste products and thinking it is funny. It isn’t.
2. Not locking door while using the bathroom. Not fucking ok.
3. Talking to me, while I’m in the bathroom.
4. Making any sort of body noises without saying sorry, being ashamed etc. At all making them really..
5. Making fun of me for the four above mentioned. Trust me, I’ll kick you out that second.

Second part: My hang ups about Integrity.

6. Reading over my shoulder while I’m writing.
7. Keep asking me about my writing, what I’m writing, or when, or whatever just don’t go there ok?!
8. Reading my texts or answering my phone without permission.
9. Reading my MSN-windows.
10. Using my computer without asking. Or looking at stuff at my hard drive.
11. Not respecting me when I don’t want to explain, or want time alone, or anything like that.

Third part: My hang ups about Intelligence.

12. Acting like a wanker, will get you nowhere. Fact base your arguments, or shut up and let the grown-ups talk.
13. Not respecting my opinions.
14. Patronizing me. In any way.
15. Generally, stupidness. It’s a deal breaker.

Fourth part: The rest.

16. Low sence of humour? There’s the door and off you go.
17. Not very high social competence? There’s the door and off you go.
18. Commenting on my weight? There’s the etc.
19. Misogynistic comments? Door.
20. Racist? Door.
21. Insecure? Door.
22. No dress sence? Door.
23. Sports as only interest? Door.

.. and so on. So, is there still anyone at all surprised? I know I’m not. As someone said: “you have to lower your standards” (I think it was Cousken, but I think he quoted someone). I did that, but I think that I might need to lower them a bit more.

Today: Classes

January 22, 2009 § 2 Comments

So, in 20 minutes I’m going out to skurups folkhögskola to go to class, for the first time since octobre (wasn’t it?). It’s gonna feel good to shake the brain a little and get going. In the mean time while I’m away over the day, read this about how to snub anti-abortionists. Although I know a few complete wankers who would say that killing someone who made an abortion is righteous in the name of god and shyte like that. I really hope that god is an individual thing, because if he is, I’ll turn back into dirt and join the earth and stop existing and all that stuff atheist do (more sort of non-do), while those people will more likely burn in eternal embarrassment for being so horribly dumb and utterly damn rotten to the core. Who are you to judge? Such twats. Ok, yes yes, I’m getting upset.

Besides that I’ve watched Stephen Hawkins and The Theory Of Everything. Lovely. I’ll link the google vid to you later if there is one.

See you later everyone.

Changes

January 18, 2009 § Leave a comment

I had too. I’m so sorry, but I had too.

You see, the whole transition of power in the united states from a man who was portraited as stupid to a man who has been portaited as Messiah, isn’t all good.
I like Obama a lot, and I think he can do a lot of good for US and for the international relations with for example Europe. But there is a difference between liking a politician and thinking he might have positive impact vs thinking he will save the world. He wont. He might make it a little bit better. But he wont save it, you or anyone.

My guess is like this, Obama will have power in up to 8 years, depending on if he survives or not (I hope he does, but it’s USA, they have more nutcases per square meters then my wardrobe has lonely socks). The the power will shift back to republican, the “underdog” christian rightwing part of USA will go completetly apeshit and Joels army will launch their first real war on the ungodly, Sarah Palin will push and cheer it on, and war will be upon us, all the infidels who don’t believe in 2000 kcal meals, jesus as the only saviour and the rapture, xxxxl-sized t-shirts and I don’t know, what more do they have? Anyway. I think that independent of how this goes, it will sooner or later go apeshit, and USA will be the country starting it. Most likely they will start it with  a comment of “but they are a threat to us by not being like us, so now we have to defend ourself against them”.

Luckily Obama has already shaped a political role as a diplomatic man for himself, so the war rethorics of Bush at least has to be looked over before recycled. Afghanistan will probably suffer a bit from this. Iran might gain something, in other words, Iran might loose something. Remember that all the countries or leaders who lashes verbal attacks at the US, need the US. It’s the visible enemy.
I can feel the same worry about Europe. I mean, we don’t like USA, I’m so sorry, but we don’t. We like the people, but we don’t like the country ok. My own personal grudge is off course the religion, that we for some reason allow christian fundamentalists, but not muslims. I think they both should go. It scares me that someone who is convinced that the fact that science as yet can not explain everything means there is a god, is actually allowed to rule countries. May it be Sweden, Russia, Kirgiztan, Jemen, USA.
Anyhow, back on track. I worry about the fact that much about the european identity revolves about not being like the US. For example, many of our presidents and prime ministers can make coherent sentences, use multi-syllable words and some of them even try to create a system that is favorable for the poor, rather then multi national companies. Not all of them mind you. Still, they have all benefited from the aversion against the states. What will happen now? How will we define ourself?

And, most of all, how will we handle it if Obama turns out to not be all people hope for. Many people in the states seems to be in some sort of mass hysteria, and I’m not sure I’m trusting them to see what their president is actually doing.

I mean, if he would say “lets nuke north korea”, I’m pretty sure many americans would bring out the flag, wave it around and say “YEAH” and not think more about it. “Lets nuke norway!” would get the same reaction, mostly because quite a few people wouldn’t even know it was a different country.

But except for being very suspicious and a bit scared that from tomorrow the world will have it’s blind fold on for eight years until the right wing christian lobby starts wrecking the world to pieces again, I have to admit I’m exited. I reckon that those neo-conservatives wont wake up one morning and realize that they are hated by everyone and if there was a god, he would probably be highly embarrassed by them. I don’t think they’ll suddenly realize just how right wing they are, and just how bad it is. But, at least they’ll have less say for a while. The world is just a little bit safer, for now.

sunlight and cameras

January 16, 2009 § 1 Comment

Mim and Lis

Ok,  I miss you girls. I miss you, your cats and your company.

Why does all my best ones live so far away? It’s not fair that you live all the way up in Ume, and Fisk all the way over in Oslo. Not fair I tell you.

I had written a long tirad on how much I hate chavs and woo-girls, but it got lost. If there is something I hate, it’s having to textually repeat myself.

That’s one reason why I have such a hard time working with critique. Often I feel I’m done with the text already when I hand it in for a critique, and end up not having any use of what has been said whatsoever. For me, the dialogue is a better form when working with text, to talk about it rather then just hear the inputs. I often get all nervous and giddy anyway, and it’s good to work in a way that lets me actually talk during the session.

To find the form of critique thats suits yourself and your text the best isn’t the easiest, and to give critique isn’t easy either. To remember to talk about things in terms of own experience, not “when you wrote this, i felt that” but “when the text is like this, i read it into this feeling”. It’s important to remember that the critique you give isn’t made for you, but for the author. You might dislike the text or want to praise it, but that’s not the point. You have to find a way of giving critique the author has use for, a text made for hers purposes.

The hardest part is quite often to find  a way into the text, I know I’ve sat many times with text that are as readable as a pile of old socks,wondering how I ever is going to be able to say something constructive about it. But there are ways, and rule is off course: Keep reading. Re-read until you find the way in, because it is there. It will come to you if you just keep focusing and working with the text and really try to put a side your own feelings for the text. It’s a luxury to be able to do like you do with a book, you know, read it once or not even that and then just put it away. A text that isn’t finished yet, maybe just an embryo of a text needs a lot more reading and focusing.

I’m getting better at this stuff, but I want to get better still. I have two texts today to give critique on, and it’s always a test. I have a friend as well who wanted tips on how to critique a manuscript that was complete crap. Yeah, how do you do that? Does anyone know? I have to say it’s one of the trickiest.

It’s time for camera and sunlight now.

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