Starting all over

January 26, 2009 § 2 Comments

varIt’s monday morning and in my head I can hear Nico and Velvet Underground sing, even though I’m trying to turn it off. This is the day to start over, not a day for dwelling in nostalgia angst. I finished all my left over work for school last week and it feels good to be free. I spent the weekend marvelling at the fact that I didn’t have to do anything. Such a great feeling.

Two days in Skurup did wonders for my motivation and go get-attitude, which was down on crawl try by now. I still have things that needs to be finished if I’m ever gonna be able to get out of this country, but right now I’m gonna take a week and just take care of myself. You know, Try to back away from panic mode. I’m a bit too close to the famous wall, it’s not so much about not running into it as it is about not repeatedly banging my head to it.

To hear Ida Börjel talk about her latest book was great, mostly because she does a lot of research for her poetry, and I can see my own mind in hers in a way. At least it feels like I can recognize and see myself in the level of nerdiness. It was really inspiring. Just like so many other things. Just to talk to the others about writing, about working with this, about being what is essentially me. That is what I am, a writer. It is how I recognize myself, I write, it’s what I do, how I breath and live.

I gained a lot of energy during those two days, and spring is probably coming soon, so I decided to make some changes, or at least try. I bought a printer (and copymachine, and scanner, it gives me megalomanian fantasies about scanning everything in the whole world muahahaha. etc.) so I can print out the whole manuscript and take a closer look at it. It’s time soon to start to look at problems with the storyline, is it too tangled? Selfcontradicting? So on. I’m going to try, for the hunnert and fourth time in my life, to get som structure.
Also I went on a walk this morning. I’m going to try at least this week, to go for three walks. Just this week first. Small small tiny steps at a time. The only functioning way to change your life.

It never works to say “I’m gonna start working out five times a week, 2 hours every time, and I’m gonna stop eating anything at all except green vegetables!”. If it does work, you should probably visit a psychiatrist and not a gym.

Having made this small changes, like taking a walk, eating a good healthy breakfast, buying a much needed printer, entitles me to do one very ritual thing. I’m buying a new notebook. This is something I always do when I change my life to the better. I buy notebooks, and a new pen. So when I’ve finished writing this, I’m gonna go downtown and buy a notebook and a pen, a design magazine (yeah, I’m pampering myself). And then I’m gonna kick start this week by printing all the 90 pages.


New life, new energy and new hairstyle.


It feels the same, everytime.

January 15, 2009 § 1 Comment

I’m awake (again? Oh come on!) and listening to Daugauva with Lars Winnerbäck, trying to move myself OUT of bed and IN to clothing to get going with this day. I have heaps of school work to finish up or at least work with and I want to write some more as well. I managed to squeeze my brain for about 10 pages yesterday, and I don’t want to lose the flow. It’s always a risk, leave the computer for ten seconds, and the story’s left you, the building, the neighbourhood and in my case, probably sneaked off to Haiti and joined a cult instead.

A friend of mine yesterday asked me about the story after me complaining that it always balances on the line of containing too much sex, I mean, it doesn’t tip (yet?) but sex is something I use to give my character space to move in. I know the rule of never discussing these things with non-authors but he was the only one online (the magic word here is HE) and off course, instead of saying something like “yes, I know, blhablahblah”, he off course assumed that the story would be hot. Hot? It’s not erotica I’m writing! Sex doesn’t have to be there for it’s own sake. It is possible to write about it with a purpose.  And it’s not like I’m writing something like “and he thrusted his big penis into her”. I wouldn’t need three years of writers school for that. Even a right wing christian can write stories in that cathegory.

So now I feel like re-writing the whole shit. I hate it that people might missunderstand me. I know Hoffert complained about the sex, he said it was more ok then it use to, but a bit too graphic at times. In the graphic parts, I’m not even sure there was a sexscene though. For some reason, it’s only the male readers who thinks the sex is too much or taking a big role in the story. I wonder why…

Daugauva is actually a quite good album, I’m amazed. Winnerbäck lost it there for a while and almost turned into Lundell Jr, but this one is back on track again. Ok, none of his new albums can ever be the same as the old ones, or even near equally good, but I’m guessing that that’s more because I was teenager when I heard them (read: ultra-emotional) than because they are so much better. His music makes me feel the same way still, a soft melancholy both sweet and a bit sad. I know I’m somehow on a turning point in my life (again), not sure if I should go for a new source of inspiration or if I should stick with it as it is. I usually don’t cope for more then 6 months with the same thing, be it a club, a partner, a hobby, whatever. I lose interest too fast. Listening to winnerbäck feels like going back and recycling an old life. Maybe it’s worth a try, probably better for the enviroment at least.

Now, I’m heading down to the city to fix my CSN money (Central Study N… something that “gives” me money every month so I can study and become this awesome writer/designer/whatever) and to check out the sale. Have a good one.. 🙂

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