Not that I’m in a hurry or anything

March 27, 2009 § 2 Comments

In ten minutes, I need to get ready for going to Skurup, to the school. It’ll be an interesting day today I think. Bente Clod is coming and talking about pedagogics in writing.

As usual it was really inspiring yesterday, especially to talk about our pracs and to vent some of the problems. The core is one thing and one thing only: Being secure in your role as the teacher/leader/mentor. I guess that’s something you need to find within.

I also got a job inteview but 1500 km away, so I might move away from here. That’s nice though, it’s a good job and I need to change enviroment. I really hope I get the job.

I was so happy about that yesterday, but then I dreamed about one of my exes coming around telling me what an idiot I was and treating me like crap, so now I feel like crap -again- anyway. Can I haz sum dignity back puhleeze? I hate it when it feels like every breath you ever took is a misstake. It feels like that today.

Oh well. It’ll feel better later. ^__^

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Monday morning thoughts

March 16, 2009 § 1 Comment

The crisis is showing patterns lurking in the shadows
Are we more angry with female bosses than male? It seems like it. People get more upset when a woman is a greedy bastard than when a man is it. Why?

“Sure, you can have equality, but curse you if you turn out to be swines”

Why do people clinge to the idea of the pure and innocent female with superior morals? We all know it isn’t so.
Also, the sudden upswing in old time morals, housewife-ideals, scares me. Last year I breefly dated a guy who asked me “but how will you ever be a good housewife?” because my apartment was in such a mess. I just laughed. I didn’t even understand the question properly, but answered that “hey, why do you think I went to university?”, impliying that I was going to have someone else do that for me, or a husband who cleaned the house, or something. Not until a couple of days later did I understand that he actually meant a stay at home housewife. In this day and age? Is it even an alternative? But it is, again. It’s coming back.

Obama: blame the black guy?
US has a fairly black president. Also, their economy is going poo-shaped. I see a correlation here that is quite ugly. It will be oh so convienient for the US to fall apart while being able to blame the black guy. I think it feels safer, then if they would have to blame a white man, since in heart and soul, many of the US people still consider white americans to be the real americans. Just like we in Sweden consider white people to be the real swedes, even though we have people who are non-scandies that have lived here for three generations.
Did the US need someone to blame?

A mere reading
I read a text about slow reading yesterday and wrote a shorter essay about it. I need to practice that more. To find that way into the text that makes the passive reading into active reflection. Reading is one of the most important parts of writing.

Metaphores
Is there any one who knows how to use the word Hibakusha/hibakusi? I need it for the text. I found a working metaphore now and finaly left the otters behind in the waters where they belong.

I’m applying for a job up in Umeå now, to see if I can spend the summer there. I’ll take a writers class, and hang out up north, write, work and play for the summer. It would be so perfect. I really do hope it works. I feel like I desperatly need to get away to keep my process going. I’m painting myself into a corner a bit right now. And honestly, there is nothing here for me anyway. It feels like I’m breaking up with my city.

Too much at once

March 9, 2009 § Leave a comment

I really don’t want to go home right now. I’m supposed to leave in two days, and I feel like selling the ticket and sticking around for a while longer. It’s just so damn expensive to travel between Umeå and Malmö.

It’s very often like this. When I finally can relax, I need to go. It’s like I can’t relax until I know I have to leave soon. I’ve had two weeks up here to write and finish my new webpage, but not until today I feel like I could actually produce something. And if I would work today and tomorrow, I’ll miss out on hangin out with Mim and Lis, so that’s worthless.

But travelling always ends me up here, wanting to stay but going home anyway. Same in Australia, I’ll never get over that, same in Poland, in Malta, in all countries, here in Sweden as well. I always just want to stay another day, but I never can. I always end up going home, getting more depressed, and loosing even more hope.

I need to hand in a new version of the story too, to my mentor. I promised to hand in a script on thursday, and now it all feels completely pointless.

I know I can’t stay here. However much I want, I need to go home and have my life, or what little I have that I could call a life. My wonderful parentals had put some new flowers in my apartment, and fixed some stuff for me. Lots of love for that. (Yeah, they do read the blog)

If only I had the courage to stick around.

Friday, always friday

February 27, 2009 § Leave a comment

It’s completely abfab to be up here. I love it. The only bad thing about it is that I still have to work, and actually do things. But still

Yesterday we went to Elins place and had wine and a very fancy dinner. It was great seeing her again, I tend to completely forget how alike we are. Not maybe as persons, but we share the same interests. We had a really good time, and then we went out to have just a drink and maybe some dancing. Yes, you heard me. We tried to go out on a thursday night. In Umeå. Not my brightest moment. Why? Because this is just around the corner from the end of civilisation, it’s not the place that has fancy clubs on thursdays.

ljudlega1We went to a bar anyhow (Lis went home though, to tired) and had a glass of wine before it was time to tumble home in all the snow. Mim somehow managed to get me to measure the snow depth (if I jumped right into a pile of it, I had snow up to my knees) and role down a four meter pile of it. Good fun. A bit wet though. We had one of those long middle of night, middle of nowhere, middle of drunk conversations about life, love, and how cute one of the guys in the bar was. Just what I wanted and needed. It’s worth the hangover, just that whole smalltalking about the everything.

If anybody wonders by the way, my signature is not on the pic to be fancy pancy, it’s a form of watermark. I’m trying to remember to use it.

Oh, and a request, anybody know of any good serif-fonts that I could use? I need something fresh for my folio.

Way out.. north?

February 25, 2009 § Leave a comment

I’m in Umeå! About as far up north as you can come if you live in the south end of Sweden (if I would go even further up I’d have to travel for more then 14 hours from home, and that’s just too far north. There is a limit to how far north it’s possible for me to go and still stay fairly sane.). It’s half a meter snow here at the least, and sunny. Beautiful!

I went here partly so I could relax and get some distance between me and reality, and get some work done, write a bit, program a bit. But mostly breath in, breath out. My soul needs some space, and this is the perfect place to get it. I still seem to have a tight schedule while I’m here, but it doesn’t matter, I can still relax in a completely different way here.

On friday Olivia Bergdahl and Loke is playing up here, which is great, since I’m missing out of a lot of stuff while I’m gone, seems like all good shows and clubs are on this weekend.

I’m gonna try to get time to have a beer with Olivia or just hang out in the snow, you know, stuff you do when up north. We’re going to dinner at a friends house as well (not with Olivia mind you), and there is a poetry slam on thursday that I’m thinking of squeezing in. I really hope I get time to go out into the outbacks here and just watch the nightsky. Two weeks is a long time, but not near as long as it feels like.

Ok, I gotta write something less horrible

February 12, 2009 § Leave a comment

God, that was a killer yesterday. You see? This is what happens when all I do is listening to radio documentaries or watching TEDtalks. This has got to stop. I have to learn to write those perky blogposts about kittens. How else will I get (more) readers?

I’m off to the library today and off to pick up my tickets for Borås this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have to pay the trip up myself, so that I could go away. I so needed that. Next weekend we’re driving to gothenburg (it seems. Not sure if I can afford it yet) and then I’m off to Umeå for two weeks. I travel a lot more then I think.

Dancing tonight as well. I’m gonna try tomorrow to edit some of my stuff that I’ve filmed this week, to put it here or on facebook.

I also updated the OPS-blog (it’s in the blogroll) with new poetry stuff, and I’m gonna try to get myself to e-mail my old teachers to see if I can fix up the last stuff. I really need to get some plans going for the future. I need something to look forward too instead of having this huge void of nothing ahead of me.

I’m way too pessimistic to see it as possibilities.

footie? No! You serious?

February 5, 2009 § 1 Comment

Yesterday I went downtown twice, I think that’s some kind of record.

First I went down to meet up with queen Mary and another friend to go to a cellar market to buy cheap make up that’s been pipelined from poland. Interesting experience even though I didn’t buy anything, at least now I know where to find my lotions for about half price. Had a cuppa afterwards at Red Dog and talked girlie. (You know, dissing every man within the same area code and discussing sex way too detailed for the rest of the café to be comfortable. Girlie.)

mary1

When I got home my beloved Ratatosk had called me twice, looking for support, so I called her up and got her to come over. We stayed here for a while, listening to Abba (when you feel like shyte, you should always listen to strange and dysfunctional music. This monday when Cherrybeat was over, we listened to richie spice. Na na na naaa na naaaa… And yeah, renamed one of my dates to the more suitable name of Na na na naaa na naaaaa. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a convo going about someone whose name you have to sing?)  and talking about life, aided by Jeanette Winterson and my favourite passage of Gut symmetries. I love that book. I love that passage. “Walk with me. Hand in hand through the nightmare of narrative”. Very nerdy of us, but still, it was really nice.

Next time I went downtown I did it to hang out with Gary and Anders and watch the footie. I’ll say that again: watch footie. Yes. I watched Everton vs Liverpool in a pub. It was… well. It was a lot more fun then I thought it would be. I followed Garys lead and was on Evertons side, they seemed the most sympathetic anyway (the underdog-angle.). But, such a weird thing. Me, watching footie. I am, by nature, against sports. Just like some people are really gay, I really don’t like sports. I write, I don’t need sports.

After the game we went and had a beer at a bar nearby, and then I went home while the others went to debaser. I stayed up for a while, talking to a friend in the US about a short story I sent over the other day. It was just a quick write in first/second person perspective (I and You, I walked down the stairs while you stood there, waiting), but it was fun to try that in english a bit more and to play with the perspective in different scenarios. Plus that it was ages ago I wrote in english. Good practice.

Also it’s always fun to have a new reader. I have a tendency to write to someone. When I’m writing I always have someone in mind. I suppose that’s why I can’t write when I’m in certain moods or places in my life, like after a break up or when I’m in love. It just doesn’t work, I don’t have the energy. I guess I’m doomed to live in a lonely cottage in the outbacks with my fourty cats, doing arts and crafts and writing poems about the ocean for the rest of my life. If human contact now really is so bad for my creativity I mean.

Next week it’s writing week in school again, so I’m not touching my text right now. I’m in the middle of everything, like slowly strolling through a chatarsis of syrup, so I can’t write anyway. I need to get rid of some people first. Clean and make space for story.

I’m going up to Mim and Lis in a couple of weeks, possibly visiting a friend in Borås (my old hometown) first, that’s gonna be good, and also it’s far enough away from the rest of the world for me to relax and just write. I can’t cope with reality when working like this. Two weeks up north is just what I need. Plus that I miss them so much. It’s going to be good to come up there.

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