February 3, 2009 § Leave a comment
So, I’m apparently thick. This is supposed to be positive. Anycase, today I’m downtown with Cherrybeat (link in SWE) and I realize, standing on H&M, that I’m her fat friend. The fat friend, the “potentially pleasant activity”-blocking* fat friend. How did this happen? How how how did I end up eating food this way? It’s utterly depressing to be big. Just big. Not bigboned, not flabby, just big. I feel like a mix between a house and a greek goddess walking around, drawing attention from men who likes “thick” girls, and scaring everyone else around me senseless with just my sheer volumousity and density.
It felt horrible, to stand there and just realize that I’m one of those you don’t contradict anymore. Nobody says “NO, you’re not fat!”, anymore. Because I’m slowly getting there. And I can’t stop it. I refuse to ever again force myself down that dark empty pit of selfhate that overdieting is. I like liking me. I don’t want to stop.
Noh, sorry. My brain is empty. I’ll be back later.
*Cockblocker. I tried to censor myself since my mom reads my blog. Sorry mom. Urban Dictionary says this: “someone who prevents someone from getting sex.” about cockblocker. You see, mom, it’s just a word! It’s even in a dictionary!