YES, finally my inner fatalist got some action!

March 29, 2009 § Leave a comment

If you missed the irony dripping sarcasm in todays headline, look again.

I wasn’t the most sober girl yesterday. Not at all the most sober one actually. Maybe the least sober one. I’m not sure. I’m not feeling well today anyway, not well at all. Maybe it was something in the food?

I’m guessing though that it wasn’t, because all I ate yesterday was a salad. So it’s much more likely that the reason I’m feeling like I do, is the lack of food, not the possible little bacterias in what little I ate.

Anyway I managed to fcuk up quite well yesterday, mostly by doing things that needed to be done, but not while drunk. I had fun though. And I have a hicky bite mark that hurts, that I’m not even really sure how or why it happened. All I know is that I’m blaming Fisk for it. It’s always his fault, one way or the other. jagochstefan

Anyhow, the night ended me in having messed up my relationship with three closer friends (various degrees of friends, and close. Various definitions of the same, but this is no chicklitblog, so I’ll spare you the details), and having made an ass of myself infront of almost-strangers. I fell asleep and woke up wondering why in heavens they let me live at all.
Yesterday it all seemed clear as a day, why I did or said what I did and said, but today it’s blatantly obvious that it was all just some pseudo actions covering up for some self destructive teenage angst shit. I should be locked up.

Well, tonight Little Big Planet awaits, together with Björn, and I’m gonna build cases and stuff for the cellar, so I’ll get over it. I hope. Or I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen.

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Oh oh oh!

January 23, 2009 § 2 Comments

I had to do a short tiny update. Thanks to the unreasonable faith blog I now found new things to read and add to the link section (it also screwed up my schedule for tonight since I got stuck reading). I sort of decided that this blog shouldn’t be so much about atheism (why would I write about that? It’s obvious. It feels so unnecessary to try to argue for a view that doesn’t even have a credable opponent. Now what about religion you might say? Well, while religion is constructed upon the basis of faith in irrationall explanations made up thousands of years ago, before we even had proper science, atheism has the humble opinion of thinking that something we came up with before we even invented scientific methods.. maybe just isn’t right. That maybe people in the olden days actually didn’t know more and were filled with anscient wisdom, but actually didn’t have the tools to figure out things. Religion and atheism isn’t two sides of one coin. They are on completely different levels. Ok ok, I wasn’t suppose to go there. Hi, this is the longest paranthesis ever.), but I guess it is, anyway. At least right now.

Anyway. If you are going to read your way through a whole blog tonight. Read this one. Like, look at this quote:

“Lots of things have been around for a long time, but that doesn’t make them correct. What’s he going to do next, sacrifice a goat, do a magic dance around the patient, and make her drink a potion made from mouse dung and boiled roots? People did that kind of thing for thousands of years, too.”

This was written about someone performing cupping, no Fisk, thats not putting a hand around a breast. It’s cupping as in putting a heated cup on someones skin to isolate muscles and other thingies and has no effect what so ever. I really would like to see a tv-show (as this actually was about) where they would sacrifice a goat. “Mary has some trouble with her back, Dr Smith will now sacrifice a goat and drink it’s blood wearing it’s testicles on it’s head. This is an anscient and well tested method, that was proven very effective amongst the nomad tribes of Djelibeybi…. ”

And when you are finished with that, read this. Especially if you are a christian. And you know, that “I don’t care what you say, I still believe there is a God, because I can feel it!” isn’t actually a functional argument. Go back to kindergarden and try again, ok?

It feels the same, everytime.

January 15, 2009 § 1 Comment

I’m awake (again? Oh come on!) and listening to Daugauva with Lars Winnerbäck, trying to move myself OUT of bed and IN to clothing to get going with this day. I have heaps of school work to finish up or at least work with and I want to write some more as well. I managed to squeeze my brain for about 10 pages yesterday, and I don’t want to lose the flow. It’s always a risk, leave the computer for ten seconds, and the story’s left you, the building, the neighbourhood and in my case, probably sneaked off to Haiti and joined a cult instead.

A friend of mine yesterday asked me about the story after me complaining that it always balances on the line of containing too much sex, I mean, it doesn’t tip (yet?) but sex is something I use to give my character space to move in. I know the rule of never discussing these things with non-authors but he was the only one online (the magic word here is HE) and off course, instead of saying something like “yes, I know, blhablahblah”, he off course assumed that the story would be hot. Hot? It’s not erotica I’m writing! Sex doesn’t have to be there for it’s own sake. It is possible to write about it with a purpose.  And it’s not like I’m writing something like “and he thrusted his big penis into her”. I wouldn’t need three years of writers school for that. Even a right wing christian can write stories in that cathegory.

So now I feel like re-writing the whole shit. I hate it that people might missunderstand me. I know Hoffert complained about the sex, he said it was more ok then it use to, but a bit too graphic at times. In the graphic parts, I’m not even sure there was a sexscene though. For some reason, it’s only the male readers who thinks the sex is too much or taking a big role in the story. I wonder why…

Daugauva is actually a quite good album, I’m amazed. Winnerbäck lost it there for a while and almost turned into Lundell Jr, but this one is back on track again. Ok, none of his new albums can ever be the same as the old ones, or even near equally good, but I’m guessing that that’s more because I was teenager when I heard them (read: ultra-emotional) than because they are so much better. His music makes me feel the same way still, a soft melancholy both sweet and a bit sad. I know I’m somehow on a turning point in my life (again), not sure if I should go for a new source of inspiration or if I should stick with it as it is. I usually don’t cope for more then 6 months with the same thing, be it a club, a partner, a hobby, whatever. I lose interest too fast. Listening to winnerbäck feels like going back and recycling an old life. Maybe it’s worth a try, probably better for the enviroment at least.

Now, I’m heading down to the city to fix my CSN money (Central Study N… something that “gives” me money every month so I can study and become this awesome writer/designer/whatever) and to check out the sale. Have a good one.. 🙂

Writing vs sleepless nights

January 14, 2009 § Leave a comment

I seem to spend a lot of my days waiting for that divine creativity boost. Psst, let me tell you a secret: It almost never comes. Writing fiction is a horror. It ruins your life. It is also off course thrilling and wonderful in all ways when it works. But most of the time you spend just staring into the abysse of Nothing More To Write. The vast emptyness of the universe unfolding infront of you. How, with so much nothingness and so much thats not even remotely interesting, are you suppose to come up with something that is interesting? Is it even possible? The universe is big. It contains everything [we know of, and since we cannot imagine what is outside, it is to us everything. Hence everything] and everything is actually buildt up of a lot of nothing interesting at all.

It is a horribly tough task. I gave myself rules to get me to write and finish this poor little story up, two pages a day I said! TWO. Thats not even a lot. But, I don’t work that way. I normally write about ten pages when I get going, but then i can’t do anything for a week, I’m exhausted. What I am trying to do (still trying) is to create a functioning rutine that isn’t as dependent on those rarely happening divine moments of ten page-inspiration.

It did work when I started to paint several years ago. When I started art school I was a 16 year old pretentious black haired little girl, a bundle of anxiety and multi-syllables, and I remember that I thought that it would be impossible for me to walk in here to the studio two days a week and then be expected to paint. It almost felt ridiculous to force this from me. Three years later the inspiration started to flow about 30 min before every art class. It work perfectly well.
I figured this should work with writing as well. And I know it does. When competing in poetry slam I quite often end up writing my poems the day before, and it works perfectly well to just sit down and do it. It should work with a novel as well..

Well, we’ll see how it goes.
There is no point at all to sit and stare at the screen until it comes – the inspiriation – while the world around falls apart, and there has got to be a way of going around it, especially since it makes me stay up untill four in the morning, just waiting for that feeling that now I finally have something to tell. My body doesn’t like it, my brain doesn’t like it. The only result of staying up for so long is that I’m so tired I get nothing done. Not really my intention there.

But it’s hard. It’s hard to fall asleep and put away the computer when you know in your heart, that the second you close that computer, inspiration will come.

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