Monday morning thoughts

March 16, 2009 § 1 Comment

The crisis is showing patterns lurking in the shadows
Are we more angry with female bosses than male? It seems like it. People get more upset when a woman is a greedy bastard than when a man is it. Why?

“Sure, you can have equality, but curse you if you turn out to be swines”

Why do people clinge to the idea of the pure and innocent female with superior morals? We all know it isn’t so.
Also, the sudden upswing in old time morals, housewife-ideals, scares me. Last year I breefly dated a guy who asked me “but how will you ever be a good housewife?” because my apartment was in such a mess. I just laughed. I didn’t even understand the question properly, but answered that “hey, why do you think I went to university?”, impliying that I was going to have someone else do that for me, or a husband who cleaned the house, or something. Not until a couple of days later did I understand that he actually meant a stay at home housewife. In this day and age? Is it even an alternative? But it is, again. It’s coming back.

Obama: blame the black guy?
US has a fairly black president. Also, their economy is going poo-shaped. I see a correlation here that is quite ugly. It will be oh so convienient for the US to fall apart while being able to blame the black guy. I think it feels safer, then if they would have to blame a white man, since in heart and soul, many of the US people still consider white americans to be the real americans. Just like we in Sweden consider white people to be the real swedes, even though we have people who are non-scandies that have lived here for three generations.
Did the US need someone to blame?

A mere reading
I read a text about slow reading yesterday and wrote a shorter essay about it. I need to practice that more. To find that way into the text that makes the passive reading into active reflection. Reading is one of the most important parts of writing.

Is there any one who knows how to use the word Hibakusha/hibakusi? I need it for the text. I found a working metaphore now and finaly left the otters behind in the waters where they belong.

I’m applying for a job up in Umeå now, to see if I can spend the summer there. I’ll take a writers class, and hang out up north, write, work and play for the summer. It would be so perfect. I really do hope it works. I feel like I desperatly need to get away to keep my process going. I’m painting myself into a corner a bit right now. And honestly, there is nothing here for me anyway. It feels like I’m breaking up with my city.


Too much at once

March 9, 2009 § Leave a comment

I really don’t want to go home right now. I’m supposed to leave in two days, and I feel like selling the ticket and sticking around for a while longer. It’s just so damn expensive to travel between Umeå and Malmö.

It’s very often like this. When I finally can relax, I need to go. It’s like I can’t relax until I know I have to leave soon. I’ve had two weeks up here to write and finish my new webpage, but not until today I feel like I could actually produce something. And if I would work today and tomorrow, I’ll miss out on hangin out with Mim and Lis, so that’s worthless.

But travelling always ends me up here, wanting to stay but going home anyway. Same in Australia, I’ll never get over that, same in Poland, in Malta, in all countries, here in Sweden as well. I always just want to stay another day, but I never can. I always end up going home, getting more depressed, and loosing even more hope.

I need to hand in a new version of the story too, to my mentor. I promised to hand in a script on thursday, and now it all feels completely pointless.

I know I can’t stay here. However much I want, I need to go home and have my life, or what little I have that I could call a life. My wonderful parentals had put some new flowers in my apartment, and fixed some stuff for me. Lots of love for that. (Yeah, they do read the blog)

If only I had the courage to stick around.

Ok, I gotta write something less horrible

February 12, 2009 § Leave a comment

God, that was a killer yesterday. You see? This is what happens when all I do is listening to radio documentaries or watching TEDtalks. This has got to stop. I have to learn to write those perky blogposts about kittens. How else will I get (more) readers?

I’m off to the library today and off to pick up my tickets for Borås this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have to pay the trip up myself, so that I could go away. I so needed that. Next weekend we’re driving to gothenburg (it seems. Not sure if I can afford it yet) and then I’m off to Umeå for two weeks. I travel a lot more then I think.

Dancing tonight as well. I’m gonna try tomorrow to edit some of my stuff that I’ve filmed this week, to put it here or on facebook.

I also updated the OPS-blog (it’s in the blogroll) with new poetry stuff, and I’m gonna try to get myself to e-mail my old teachers to see if I can fix up the last stuff. I really need to get some plans going for the future. I need something to look forward too instead of having this huge void of nothing ahead of me.

I’m way too pessimistic to see it as possibilities.

Beyond beliefs

February 8, 2009 § Leave a comment

I’m watching beyond belief, the forth session. Scary enough 98% of people think they are more intelligent than the average. “Which means that 50% are delusional about their own stupidity” to paraphrace Ramachandran.

He is by the way my new hero, hilariously cynical humour. Why haven’t I heard about him before?


Later in the same episode: Christian with freakishly bad haircut talking about meditating while going through emotional bumpiness and getting a vision “directed at him”. I’m gonna be bold here and state that very few people have visions that are meant for someone else.

“Yeah, I had this vision yesterday while I was praying, but I don’t think it was for me, the neighbour must have had an epiphany at the same time, you know, that stuff can be contaigious sometimes.”

“No, you know, I saw these bunnies and then some words, I think that vision was for my daughter, our names are similar, so maybe it got sent to the wrong person”

Also, I don’t get it why people can’t just except that their minds thinks up a lot of weird things, and some of it will feel like somebody else thought it for you. Normally I would have explained it with the fact that the subconsious stores a lot of knowledge and associations that we in our normal state of mind can’t get to, and under certain circumstances like extra stress etc, we are more bound to let down that wall between the senses and let some other things then normal logic through (yah, notice how very seldom someone has a vision when NOT under stress. “Oh, I was feeling completely ok with everything and was happy in an average way. And then I had a vision, without any hightened sense of awareness.”), but after watching so much talks about neuroscience, I don’t dare even trying to explain anything anymore. I think it was something about isolating different parts of the brain and constructing islands of activity to create that feeling of that it isn’t your own thoughts, I think…


Later again, I read a it about the myth of the hymen in human females. Yeah, go with you and read about it, because it is a myth, the notion that this would be something covering the vaginal opening. It’s a fold of mucous membrane at the most, if it at all should count as a separate part of female genitalia, and if the female is properly aroused before penetration, it will not restrict it, cause pain or bleed.

It’s a fake body part, made up as a way of controling female sexuality. Lovely.

“In the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, medical researchers have used the presence of the hymen, or lack thereof, as founding evidence of physical diseases such as “womb-fury“. If not cured, womb-fury would, according to these early doctors, result in death.[22] The cure, naturally enough, was marriage, since a woman could then go about having sexual intercourse on a “normal” schedule that would stop womb-fury from killing her, hence opening her hymen.” /wikipedia on hymen.

List of things.

January 29, 2009 § 2 Comments

I just got back from dance prac. Good work out today, Maria almost killed me by making me dance for an hour straight. Good fun. (It’s social dancing, Lindy hop. Usually you dance 2 songs and then take a break. This was a bit more then that)

Today has been a good day, got done a fair amount of text editing, and sent some important e-mails. This whole “new era”-thingie is working fine, much better then I thought. I eat better, I work out again. I feel better. I even, oh my god, wrote some poetry yesterday. Haven’t written anything serious in ages, except for poetry slam stuff, but that’s not the same thing.

Did realize before that I’m the exact same person I’ve always been. How much I ever want to deny it, I’m a sucker for teh love. And I still have huge killer hang-ups about certain deal breakers. If they occur in my area code even, everyone in it is contaminated and undateable. Anyone still wondering why I’ve been single more or less forever?I feel it’s a tad bit incompatible to actually want to date people, but have a list as long as — as.. ah well, as long as a very long list.. on dealbreakers.

Here’s a shortened version:

First part: My hang ups about body waste products.

1. Mentioning anything that has to do with human body waste products and thinking it is funny. It isn’t.
2. Not locking door while using the bathroom. Not fucking ok.
3. Talking to me, while I’m in the bathroom.
4. Making any sort of body noises without saying sorry, being ashamed etc. At all making them really..
5. Making fun of me for the four above mentioned. Trust me, I’ll kick you out that second.

Second part: My hang ups about Integrity.

6. Reading over my shoulder while I’m writing.
7. Keep asking me about my writing, what I’m writing, or when, or whatever just don’t go there ok?!
8. Reading my texts or answering my phone without permission.
9. Reading my MSN-windows.
10. Using my computer without asking. Or looking at stuff at my hard drive.
11. Not respecting me when I don’t want to explain, or want time alone, or anything like that.

Third part: My hang ups about Intelligence.

12. Acting like a wanker, will get you nowhere. Fact base your arguments, or shut up and let the grown-ups talk.
13. Not respecting my opinions.
14. Patronizing me. In any way.
15. Generally, stupidness. It’s a deal breaker.

Fourth part: The rest.

16. Low sence of humour? There’s the door and off you go.
17. Not very high social competence? There’s the door and off you go.
18. Commenting on my weight? There’s the etc.
19. Misogynistic comments? Door.
20. Racist? Door.
21. Insecure? Door.
22. No dress sence? Door.
23. Sports as only interest? Door.

.. and so on. So, is there still anyone at all surprised? I know I’m not. As someone said: “you have to lower your standards” (I think it was Cousken, but I think he quoted someone). I did that, but I think that I might need to lower them a bit more.

It’s a non-issue

January 27, 2009 § Leave a comment

So, ok. I re-read yesterdays post and went “omg, why do I sound like a drugged housewife in happy-land?”, maybe there was something in my food.

I think it’s the english thing again, it’s hard to sound smart in another language then your first, you end up sounding like some la-la-ing moron with the brains of a drugged and comatoze caterpillar.

I read an article in a swedish “news” paper just now, about why the new male stereotype is a post teenager that never lets go of his PS3. I’m talking positive stereotyping now, you know, the boyish looks, the male friendships, the trendiness and metrosexuality. The theory was that this came as a result from various things all related to the role of their dads more or less, and slightly tilted because womens role has become more serious. Yeah, men lives in such a bubble, don’t they.

Is it just me thinking it is damn obvious that the reason that men never really grow up is because women do? First: They don’t have to any more. Who would if you didn’t? Second, if women takes responsibility for something, it automatically becomes low statur. Women go to university? Home made man is the thing, no education, work your way up. Women read fiction? Men read facts (for those of you who don’t know, fiction was suppose to make women insane, we were too weak to understand it wasn’t real or something.), fiction is waste of time. Women write about politics? They’re bitter. Men write about politics? They have insight. To quote Magnus Betnér: “Being a dick is bad, but being a cunt is always worse.”. So, while women try to actually make something out of their lifes, trying to get a career is now boring, dull and low status, while playing PS3, becoming reach for making an ass of yourself a la random MTV-fucktards and such, is high status. When women started to enter the intellectual circles for real, it became fashionable to be dumb and uneducated. A real man work with his hands, or a real man don’t talk about blahblah, he does something about it instead. Blah blah.

Here in sweden, about 60% of higher ed-spots are occupied by women. It might get higher. Do men want to actually have a functioning and equal society around them, if so, they should shape up and get an education. Because I don’t think this will hold for ever. Higher education can’t stay as low status, since most jobs demand it. Instead the market will ever so slowly start favoring women, and suddenly it’s we who are on the high status end. It was suppose to be equal, and if men only could stop shunning whatever females been close to like kindergarden kids, it might be easier to get there.

And don’t throw the new friendly soft metrosexual in my face, the guy who talks about feelings and drinks lattes. We all know that the glue of that ideal was that it existed only inside a “no women”-zone.

I know, to most people this is a non-issue. For some reason, feministic discussions are less important then any other discussion about equality. I mean, off course everyone should be treated equal regardless of skinncolor, but now women, they always nag about everything. Lets leave them out of this.

Oh, and now to something completely different:
If you are in need of the perfect procrastinator, I’ve found it with the help of Carp and krinkle and the others on CHAOS (I seriously can’t remember who it was.). Here it is

I mean, who doesn’t want to spend all day watching a live feed of random african animals?


First try

January 11, 2009 § Leave a comment

1-3 testing.

Did you know that the hard core homophobic rastas don’t say 1-2-3 testing any more, since 2 is connected to nbr 2, which could mean anal sex. I wonder how math class works.
“So, peter, can you tell us what this is?”
“Eh, 5 – 3 is 1 and 1 together.”

For some reason I seem to have started hangin out with people who likes to flaunt their stupidity (christians) lately. I find it seriously freaky, people with otherwhise big hearts and functioning brains, suddenly turns up to believe in supernatural occurences with the comment of “there are somethings that we just can’t explain with science.”. Ok, first of all: yes we can. And second: That science might not know exactly why hypnapomp hallucinations look or feel like they do, that doesn’t mean that your little theory about fairies trying to kill you in your sleep is correct.

Just because science can’t yet show us what was before time, that doesn’t mean that there is room for a God. All it means is that we don’t know.

Now, where is the connection between this and the 1-3? Well, most of these people are rastas or similar. For me, the whole rastafarian I and I Jah bless blahblah thing was something that happened when I was 17 yrs old and smoked too much weed. Now, when grown up and hanging out at reaggeclubs, I tend to forget that there is people who takes the whole thing seriously.
It’s like Harry Potter. I mean, I like the books and all: but I tend to forget that there is heaps of people out there who thinks magic is real and uses the books to prove it. (Is there? I’m not sure, I’m assuming on the basis of the fact that people are what they are.)

Today will be one of those lovely work my ass off-days. I have a book to read by Maryse Condé, a review to write, two critiques and some stuff on Ida Börjel. Great. This is what happens when you have a crap autumn. Things pile up. Big time.
Tonight is dancing in Lund too, first time this semester. It’s good to get going again, I need to shake away that extra kilo that sneaked up on me during christmas and attached itself to my chin and thighs.

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