YES, finally my inner fatalist got some action!

March 29, 2009 § Leave a comment

If you missed the irony dripping sarcasm in todays headline, look again.

I wasn’t the most sober girl yesterday. Not at all the most sober one actually. Maybe the least sober one. I’m not sure. I’m not feeling well today anyway, not well at all. Maybe it was something in the food?

I’m guessing though that it wasn’t, because all I ate yesterday was a salad. So it’s much more likely that the reason I’m feeling like I do, is the lack of food, not the possible little bacterias in what little I ate.

Anyway I managed to fcuk up quite well yesterday, mostly by doing things that needed to be done, but not while drunk. I had fun though. And I have a hicky bite mark that hurts, that I’m not even really sure how or why it happened. All I know is that I’m blaming Fisk for it. It’s always his fault, one way or the other. jagochstefan

Anyhow, the night ended me in having messed up my relationship with three closer friends (various degrees of friends, and close. Various definitions of the same, but this is no chicklitblog, so I’ll spare you the details), and having made an ass of myself infront of almost-strangers. I fell asleep and woke up wondering why in heavens they let me live at all.
Yesterday it all seemed clear as a day, why I did or said what I did and said, but today it’s blatantly obvious that it was all just some pseudo actions covering up for some self destructive teenage angst shit. I should be locked up.

Well, tonight Little Big Planet awaits, together with Björn, and I’m gonna build cases and stuff for the cellar, so I’ll get over it. I hope. Or I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen.

Not that I’m in a hurry or anything

March 27, 2009 § 2 Comments

In ten minutes, I need to get ready for going to Skurup, to the school. It’ll be an interesting day today I think. Bente Clod is coming and talking about pedagogics in writing.

As usual it was really inspiring yesterday, especially to talk about our pracs and to vent some of the problems. The core is one thing and one thing only: Being secure in your role as the teacher/leader/mentor. I guess that’s something you need to find within.

I also got a job inteview but 1500 km away, so I might move away from here. That’s nice though, it’s a good job and I need to change enviroment. I really hope I get the job.

I was so happy about that yesterday, but then I dreamed about one of my exes coming around telling me what an idiot I was and treating me like crap, so now I feel like crap -again- anyway. Can I haz sum dignity back puhleeze? I hate it when it feels like every breath you ever took is a misstake. It feels like that today.

Oh well. It’ll feel better later. ^__^

Too much at once

March 9, 2009 § Leave a comment

I really don’t want to go home right now. I’m supposed to leave in two days, and I feel like selling the ticket and sticking around for a while longer. It’s just so damn expensive to travel between Umeå and Malmö.

It’s very often like this. When I finally can relax, I need to go. It’s like I can’t relax until I know I have to leave soon. I’ve had two weeks up here to write and finish my new webpage, but not until today I feel like I could actually produce something. And if I would work today and tomorrow, I’ll miss out on hangin out with Mim and Lis, so that’s worthless.

But travelling always ends me up here, wanting to stay but going home anyway. Same in Australia, I’ll never get over that, same in Poland, in Malta, in all countries, here in Sweden as well. I always just want to stay another day, but I never can. I always end up going home, getting more depressed, and loosing even more hope.

I need to hand in a new version of the story too, to my mentor. I promised to hand in a script on thursday, and now it all feels completely pointless.

I know I can’t stay here. However much I want, I need to go home and have my life, or what little I have that I could call a life. My wonderful parentals had put some new flowers in my apartment, and fixed some stuff for me. Lots of love for that. (Yeah, they do read the blog)

If only I had the courage to stick around.

Ok, I gotta write something less horrible

February 12, 2009 § Leave a comment

God, that was a killer yesterday. You see? This is what happens when all I do is listening to radio documentaries or watching TEDtalks. This has got to stop. I have to learn to write those perky blogposts about kittens. How else will I get (more) readers?

I’m off to the library today and off to pick up my tickets for Borås this weekend. I’m glad I didn’t have to pay the trip up myself, so that I could go away. I so needed that. Next weekend we’re driving to gothenburg (it seems. Not sure if I can afford it yet) and then I’m off to Umeå for two weeks. I travel a lot more then I think.

Dancing tonight as well. I’m gonna try tomorrow to edit some of my stuff that I’ve filmed this week, to put it here or on facebook.

I also updated the OPS-blog (it’s in the blogroll) with new poetry stuff, and I’m gonna try to get myself to e-mail my old teachers to see if I can fix up the last stuff. I really need to get some plans going for the future. I need something to look forward too instead of having this huge void of nothing ahead of me.

I’m way too pessimistic to see it as possibilities.

ok, this was weird

February 7, 2009 § Leave a comment

A guy I went on a date with just called and asked if we can meet up again someday, and I said sure.. then he asks what I’m doing today and I say that I’m going out with a friend. And he starts talking about trusting me and so on. Someone I went on ONE date with, tells me to be careful, because he wants to trust me? Come on! One date? That “sure” quickly turned to a no.

This is a culture clash, I know it. I’m not use to anyone saying anything about that stuff, at all. Just as I’m not use to people telling me I look good or anything like that. People tell me that I look good, in a very friendly asexual way, but someone who tells me that I look good with that strange ooh baby-intonation going is bound to get a cocked eyebrow in return. You don’t talk about trust before it’s a relationship. Or rather you don’t talk about it until it becomes an issue, if it’s not about saying “I really trust you” as part of one of those pointless confirmation speeches you give people in a relationship when you have nothing else nice to say.

Trust me? Sorry, but it’s not really my problem if somebody I barely know has trust issues.

dreams

February 7, 2009 § Leave a comment

I had this weird continious dream yesterday, you know, I dreamed the start of the dream a couple of weeks ago and now when I was sitting by my computer on my way of falling asleep, I started getting flashbacks from it. Do anyone else get that? Like if you were half awake and started dreaming a bit before you go to sleep, and what you dream is the same as the day before or earlier? It’s weird.

But the height of stupidity is me telling the person I’m talking to on messenger that I’m having dream flashbacks and need to go to sleep and finish up the dream. Hello mental illness-alarm. I didn’t think about it then, I just tried to explain myself, but now when I woke up and read the backlogg, I just feel like a complete idiot.

I have all these weird things going on, I mean, I am by default weird. That’s just me. I don’t think about it much, but then I talk to normal people and suddenly something turns up that makes me realize that I should learn to either shut up, or change my whole personality so that I don’t have to. I would probably become utterly boring and have no talent for anything left whatsoever, but I’d rather be that then having to be ashamed of all these quirks.

To this I’ll add that before I said “sorry, I need to go to sleep and dream this dream about bombs and water”, the friend told me about not liking me at all, because I made such a bad impression at first, but that he changed his mind. Oh well.

I went to ONTs first performance art club yesterday, good fun, drunkness and nerdy literaties. It was good, and landed me a performance there soon. I’ll do my 30 min show there in a while, the one named after Hundred years of solitude (but with a different theme, off course.). There was a seriously cute guy there, but he got too drunk and annoying, and also wore a really ugly t-shirt. I don’t get that. Why do people dress so badly? It’s like not using deodorant. You might not care yourself, but everyone else has to  suffer involuntarily. Same here. You might like that ugly t, but everyone else is suffering! Show some respect for your fellow humans and don’t dress so bad my eyes almost starts bleeding.

Today I’m going out with a friend, and hopefully I’m meeting up with my parents. I’m also going to the library a quickie, didn’t find Bente Clods book last time and forgot my list of other books, so new try today. A normal, boring, non-descript day.It’ll be interesting to see if I’ll make it.

Oh, I fixed another pic from Cherrybeats tattoo session, I got bored…

tatuering-21

The thick girl goes fat friend

February 3, 2009 § Leave a comment

So, I’m apparently thick. This is supposed to be positive. Anycase, today I’m downtown with Cherrybeat (link in SWE) and I realize, standing on H&M, that I’m her fat friend. The fat friend, the “potentially pleasant activity”-blocking* fat friend. How did this happen? How how how did I end up eating food this way? It’s utterly depressing to be big. Just big. Not bigboned, not flabby, just big. I feel like a mix between a house and a greek goddess walking around, drawing attention from men who likes “thick” girls, and scaring everyone else around me senseless with just my sheer volumousity and density.

It felt horrible, to stand there and just realize that I’m one of those you don’t contradict anymore. Nobody says “NO, you’re not fat!”, anymore. Because I’m slowly getting there. And I can’t stop it. I refuse to ever again force myself down that dark empty pit of selfhate that overdieting is. I like liking me. I don’t want to stop.

Anyways.

Noh, sorry. My brain is empty. I’ll be back later.

*Cockblocker. I tried to censor myself since my mom reads my blog. Sorry mom. Urban Dictionary says this: “someone who prevents someone from getting sex.” about cockblocker. You see, mom, it’s just a word! It’s even in a dictionary!

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