I too need to #talkaboutit

December 22, 2010 § 8 Comments

This blog has been quiet for quite some time, for a reason. That reason is neglect from my side. I was just too bored, to focused on other things to bother.

And then. Something happened.

The swedish campaign #prataomdet started up, more or less spontainiously, and spread like wildfire. It was a reaction to the whole Assange business, the whole denying of rape. The whole treating sexcrimes as if they are uncommon and strange and only done by weird lonely men hiding in the park. The campaign isn’t about Assange and his possible doings, it is a reaction to what has been written about it and what Assange himself, plus Israel Sharim has done. They smeared the victims. Many lies have been bouncing around the internet, CIA-connection has been discussed, the womens feminism has been pointed out – because a feminist can’t be raped. Or something I don’t know.

What makes me want to #talkaboutit, is that many has used the possible victims irrational behavior as a reason for this to be untrue. And it shows just how little people know about rape.

First time somebody took liberties with my body that I didn’t give them, I was 15. I managed to fend him off, just before he tried to penetrate me. I was a firm believer of that I should be able to stop whenever I want, even if I’m naked. I still believe that, but now I know that it doesn’t help what I believe because if a person has more muscle power, he can pin you down.

I went home and showered for an hour. Then I pretended nothing happened.

Next one up was a guy I was in love with. He did a lot of horrible stuff when he was drunk, he used violence, he did things to me when I was asleep. He was strong. I tried to fight him off, one of the time there was people in the room. They thought my sounds was from pleasure. They weren’t. After a while I gave up, and faked just so it would be over.

Next time I was at a festival, two guys, they seemed nice. They offered me drugs. Then they stopped listening. I didn’t call the police afterwards, I was still high. But a friend did. The police arrested them but let them go. There wasn’t enough proof that they had understood I didn’t want to. It wasn’t enough saying no.

Next time again, it was a long term boyfriend. He wanted me and I didn’t want him. I said no. I said stop it. He didn’t. Afterwards he didn’t understand why I cried. When I a year later dumped him and said it out loud. You raped me. He said no, he didn’t do that, he would never. But he did.

These stories are no secrets. I’m not ashamed of this. It’s not my fault. And the last days something important has happened. Suddenly my friends and I had said “Yes, it has happened to me too”, and shared our stories openly, with eachother, not caring who hears.

A small glimmer of hope in me has started to shine. Maybe I’m not alone anymore, wanting to talk about this openly, maybe I’m not the only one ready to stop hushing when these stories are told.

Whatever the meta-discussion about this says, we need to show just how common this is. Just how badly we need to take our bodies back from a society that treats them like shit.

I’m proud. I survived. I came out stronger. And I hope that somehow, this will start something new.

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§ 8 Responses to I too need to #talkaboutit

  • Jha says:

    Thank you for sharing your story!

  • […] Ljudlega is talking about it: First time somebody took liberties with my body that I didn’t give them, I was 15. I managed to fend him off, just before he tried to penetrate me. I was a firm believer of that I should be able to stop whenever I want, even if I’m naked. I still believe that, but now I know that it doesn’t help what I believe because if a person has more muscle power, he can pin you down. Det här inlägget postades i Blogglänkar, English. Bokmärk permalänken. ← Anna Hjelm pratar om det […]

  • Ebba says:

    Thank you for sharing! I can really relate to your words.

  • chris says:

    Just wrote a blog about some of these issues, though you might be interested. Here’s the link:
    The Politics of Consent, The Politics of Feminism.

  • laetitia says:

    I know things like that can happen. But ! Be careful ! It’s always easier to accuse others than to be clear with yourself. I find it bizarre that it happened to you so many times. You’re responsible too otherwise it couldn’t happen to you again and again. You should try to understand yourself…and why you need to repeat some situations.

    • Ljudlega says:

      Hmm. Interesting. I blamed myself a lot for times. But you know what? It’s a pity that I ended up in these situations but it is the one that took my autonomy away from me that was at fault, not me. I was maybe not the brightest at times, but it wasn’t my fault. I don’t need to go over all this again, I’ve done that for years. I’m not angry with you or anything, but be careful with the victim blaming please.

  • new_sleuth says:

    I stumbled into this blog, and was touched by your honesty in revealing what must have been depressingly moments of your life.

    It’s infuriating that not only such callous evil actions can occur, but also you mentioning how the men seemed to get away with it and how your friends could relate with their own experiences.

    While I hesitate to say anything as I (a guy btw) do not how you felt/feel, may I say I felt a great deal of sympathy for you as I read your words.

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