tomorrow is a new day

May 31, 2009 § Leave a comment

I have one of those days when I feel the world slip between my fingers like grains of sand. I’m settled in in my new apt up here, and happy about more or less everything. But then there is this tiny tiny little glitch in the way someone talks to me, and I can feel everything just fall into pieces again. I’m always out here on the edge, I know that. But it would be nice, for once, to not be overly paranoid.

Well well. New job starting tomo. It’ll be good for me. Slow my brain down a bit.

Preparation deluxe

May 15, 2009 § Leave a comment

On sunday I’m going to be in stockholm and talk about blogs, diaries and new vs old media. Being an interaction designer AND writer, I supposedly know this stuff. I really hope I do.

Today is preparation deluxe day, I need to find my thoughts about this and sort them before tomo, since tomo is meet your new job-day for me. The problem is that I now all of the sudden lost my writers block that I had for a week, and have started to finish up the last pages of the novel. Not that it’s finished, after that it’ll be at least two months of re-writing before I know if it’s good enough.

I thought about sending in some poetry in the meantime, just to sort of steal my own attention away from the whole scary and angsty business of actually finishing a novel.

I’ll try to write some stuff here about the seminar/discussion later, it’s just that I need to do it in the dear mother tounge. I can’t promise I can  be bothered with translating.

peace out.

Artsy, isn’t it

May 14, 2009 § Leave a comment

The therapeutic writing processis one of the more complex ones to handle as a writer/teacher yourself. I at least find it very hard to critisize something that so obviously is part of a mental process necessary for the artist to grow as a person, even if the result is completely uninteresting from an artistic point of view.

Some claim all art, and at least all interesting art, is made in some sence for therapeutic reasons, and I’m quite ready to hum and nod and say “yeah, probably” at that, but there is a difference between making it obviously so and being human. So you have childhood traumas? Go to a psychologist. Get a dog. But don’t write about it, don’t paint it and don’t make installations about it, every other second. It isn’t that interesting. If you aren’t going to do it in a new, innovative and fantastic way, or for that, have a lovely intellectualized reason behind it, stop pushing your bad memories down my throat. It really isn’t that exiting to see it over and over again, done in the same way.

This flaunting of the self seems unavoidable nowadays, I do it too, so I really shouldn’t say anything. It seems to me that the discrepancy between market and people is pushing forward this voyerism-driven type of art, that while we crave more person and less company behind things we see, we also do it because we like to look at other peoples misery, it makes us feel better.

Also, not to forget. We like it because it’s simple art. It’s easy to understand. Doesn’t demand anything of us, but still feels more legitimate then just landscapes. It makes us feel, in the same way as hollywood productions does, but with the plus side of giving us a better self image, oh, how arty we are.

Suddenly we again despise things that demand something from us, because that demand highers the risk of failure, and the failure of many gives us an elite. And it is important in a society where the market is stearing everything, that the people feel like even the elite are as dumb and fooled as they are. An elite that diets, cheats and show breasts on tv is an ok elite, an elite with high up jobs that play golf and never read books are ok. But the intellectual elite is dangerous for the self image, since they understand just a tiny bit more than the others.

So suddenly we are standing with a whole generation och plump therapeutic art, and things like ugly vandalism, photographed in an ugly way, to keep it “real”. Everybody is siding with the people, and therefore also creating a community with nothing intellectual to strive for, ending up siding with the big global corporates.

.. and then we all die. More or less.

No kissing until marriage

May 9, 2009 § Leave a comment

I find it rather fascinating, this american neo-xtian trend to not even kiss until marriage. Who in the world wants to kiss a newbie? Practice makes, if not perfect, then at least a lot of difference.

They claim that the abstinence-trend is now in sweden, but it felt like planted news, by some church or something. Having sex is not about trends. It’s completely irrelevant if it’s trendy or not with one night stands, sexual relationships without emos’ and so on. Saying that abstinence is trendy is like claiming that nowadays, it’s much more hipp to just use your left leg, and save the other one until you are to run a marathon. So it’s clean.

Having sex is part of being human. Nothing can stop that. Not even sky-pixie-man. Abstinence has nothing to do with good or bad, it has to do with controlling female sexuality and treating women like ownable objects. No, no arguments, nothing. It’s true, and if you don’t get it then there is no point arguing with you any way, because you are still swimming in the shallow end.

Upside down

May 4, 2009 § Leave a comment

This is an emopost. I just wanted to warn you. Even I need to be way too emotional and silly from time to time. This  is one of those times.

I’m right now looking for patterns, or rather, I know the patterns but I’m looking for reasons. I have been single for a bunch of years now, and everytime I meet someone I think have the potentiality of becoming special, I fcuk it up. Or rather, they do, too. Either both of us or one of us. It’s a lot of fcuking up going on, actually. I’d like to know why.

My dance teachers used to tell the leads that if a hundred followers do the same

thing, then it’s probably not them, it’s you. Very appliable on everything else in life. It’s probably not really them fcucking up, it’s probably me acting in a way that makes them go all weirded out. It’s most likely me.

But figuring that part out doesn’t help that much. I’ve changed so many patterns, I’ve learned how to communicate my emotions (ehm, ok, I’ve learned how to do it better, at least), I’ve learned to not freak out and go all ARGH GAH on people when they decide to back off. I’ve learned to give people a chance. So on. I’m a good girl! But damnit, the stuff is still the same. I’m still just as single as I was the day I broke my last relationship in my early twenties (5 years ago).

So what am I doing wrong? Ladies and gentlemen, please tell me, because I can’t find the damn way back to lalalove-land. Ok, I do hate heteronormative relationships. So, no I don’t go looking for that. But in desperate times desperate meassures. I would even be ready to try that. All I want is some hugs.

You know, the best part about a relationship is that you have the priviligue of being able to love someone almost as much as you want. In casual sex-land, we can’t do that. I’m defining relationship very loosly here, it doesn’t have to be between two people, it can be any number you like. But just me alone isn’t gonna cut it. However much I like me, I can’t spend my days walking around and practising how to kiss myself and tell me I look so sweet in that t-shirt.

All I want is some god damn love. All I ever find is some halfassed explanations about “it’s not [pronoun], it’s [pronoun]”.

Am I really that crap that I’m not even worth a chance? Will I have to accept that I will be lonely, for the rest of my life, and just sit down and deal with it. Get a cat maybe. Accept that I’m social and have lots of friends, but just not the type that you like in *that* way.

Ok, I’m done now. I’m gonna lie down on my bed here in Umeå, stare at the ceiling and wish that I didn’t wish for anything more.

Oh, and the move? All good. Love this place. But a city can’t hug back.

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