February 17, 2009 § Leave a comment
I made a schedule, and it helps. I’ve started working with the old java-stuff (yey me!) and I’ve checked the cables for the broken hard drive (need a new chassi). I’ve insulted someone for using the phrace “what up?” (yeah, what up, down, left right, what the hell am I supposed to answer when people ask it every second sentence? It’s just random sounds thrown together to make the convo float better. If you don’t have anything to say, stfu, if you have something to say: say that instead. Don’t. Say. What. Up.), I’ve been down in the cellar. See, fairly active.
I have but one question for myself to contemplate: How come all my exes (bar one, but he was for lots of years) are engaged in longterm relationships, but I’m constantly single? If everybody you dance with make the same misstake, it might not be them, but you. I wonder how much of a complete relationship horror I am? It must be bad.
I seem to be utterly incompetent when it comes to functioning in a relationship, and still, I do some sort of diversity dating. I’ve tested dating and having relationships with people ranging from graphic designers, musicians, chefs and computer scientists to electricians, students and inbetween-jobs. People on my level, and people somewhere completely different. Religious to atheists. People who like to talk, and uptight quiet neurosises on two legs (noone particular in mind ahem). I’d say I have a wide span here. People from Sweden, people from other cultures. I’ve really tried everything.
You would think that the reason for the dating/relationships to be so continously hellbound was that I relived the same old scenarios over and over again. But alas, no! This is not the case. Or rather, I’m reliving it, but not with the same or even similar actors. They are but extras in the drama that is my life.
I’m still single. And I feel like I’ve overdated. I can’t do it anymore. It’s getting so old, the whole concept. Having to get to know someone, rearrange your life for them, all that. After the last collapse and heartbreak (in october I think it was) I decided to stay single until 2013. Since then I’ve been on a couple of dates, but nothing has made me rethink. Or rather: Noone. I am to be single until 2013. So, you can unlock your doors and let your sons and daughters out, I promise to stay inside here and ponder the reasons of my lonelyness, all on my own.
Or as we say, in my generation: F*ck this shit.