January 31, 2009 § Leave a comment
Long good night yesterday. I even danced a passable salsa! My nemesis amongst dances has finally turned out ok! Only problem is waking up rather sweaty and panicky, first because I dreamed that there was US Americans* who tried to kill me (Feds’ hunting me in the swedish forest..), and then because I realized I’m even more broke now, since I went for instant gratification yesterday, rather than like I should, staying home and locking myself up. Not my brightest moment.
Again. As usual. Why can’t I just be functioning without needing a social life? Everything would be so much cheaper then! But seriously, who can blame me. Everyday I sit here, locked in alone in my apartment and stare at my screen, trying to write. My only contact with the rest of the world is internet and my phone. And I’m extremely social. It’s killing me. If I don’t go out on weekends, I end up dying inside come sundays.
I’m handing in 7 pages of poetry today, and a small silly poem about a road (the last one was written during a writing excercise. It’s horrible) instead of handing in my big manuscript. I feel like I need to tweek it a bit more first, and I need to get going again and get the story flowing. I have to. I feel crippled now, it’s like I’m dragging my body through sirap, or rather, my mind. I’m not getting anywhere.
The whole money issue is killing my creativity. This mess I’m in would have felt so much better if I at least had bought something big and expensive, but I haven’t. I hate being a student sometimes.
I’m gonna make up my deal breakers list by writing a short knee weakener-list. Might just as well. Things that makes me go aaah:
1. Intellect and wittyness. *drools*
2. .. No, I think that was it.
I mean ok, fair enough, I’d rather have you with a brain like Daniel Dennet but looking good like Jensen Ackles, but, no. Intellect is far more important then anything else. I’d rather have a partner I can discuss politics with who knows more than me, then sit around stare at a pretty face. It’s amazing, because it’s not just something I say. I’ve never had any specs when it comes to lovers and alike, and their looks. They all look different. But most of them were smart (and a bit neurotic, come to think of it.), or educated. Sadly enough only a few thought it was worth discussing things with females (or was it just me? Hard to know, it might have been a lover-thing). But that has to change now, if I’m ever again sacrificing my freedom for another person and chaining me to a two person relationship, they better have a sexy brain, or else I’m staying single with the good old chastity belt strictly closed and key thrown away.
Talking about chastity belts, I read that the abstinence movement is going to have to move down and make room for a bit of real world in the states. Finally… But more about that later, I need food!
*I’m trying to learn not saying just Americans, since that includes the whole continent. That would a bit silly.
January 30, 2009 § Leave a comment
I’m horribly broke. It’s official. I’m crap at handling money.
When I did get money this month, about two weeks ago, I paid my bills (40% of this month income) and then paid back money to my dad, which was about half the amount of the bills, then bought insane amounts of food (not really.) and some warm sweaters, since I don’t really have any, and it’s actually cold here, how ever much I deny it.
And now I have to buy new contraceptives, and you know, boring stuff like band-aids and panadols. I wanted to buy something tiny but nice. I wanted to spoil myself a bit. It’s getting tiring never to be able to stand in a store and say, oh! What the heck, buy it, parce que je le vaux bien.
That wont happen. I’m broke, broke, broke. I could always sell my soul to satan and give up all my dreams about authorship, and get a job, but it would feel horrible and wrong. This is probably my last chance ever to write like this. I don’t want to waste it. So instead, there will be no goodies for me. There will be nothing at all for me, it seems actually.
Right now I feel like just wasting all my money. But I need to stock up on vegetables for next week, and fruit. I know my life would be easier if I ate worse food, but my body collapses and my skin gets fucked up, and my mood turns into horror land if I don’t eat properly. It’s one of the few joys my life actually offer on regular basis, proper food everyday. I don’t want to take that away.
So my choices right now are either instant gratification by buying something I actually *want*, but less money next week, and no proper food, and a crappy mood and general suicidalness, or food, but no money next week, depression, but food, but it wont help. Such a win-win!
January 29, 2009 § 2 Comments
I just got back from dance prac. Good work out today, Maria almost killed me by making me dance for an hour straight. Good fun. (It’s social dancing, Lindy hop. Usually you dance 2 songs and then take a break. This was a bit more then that)
Today has been a good day, got done a fair amount of text editing, and sent some important e-mails. This whole “new era”-thingie is working fine, much better then I thought. I eat better, I work out again. I feel better. I even, oh my god, wrote some poetry yesterday. Haven’t written anything serious in ages, except for poetry slam stuff, but that’s not the same thing.
Did realize before that I’m the exact same person I’ve always been. How much I ever want to deny it, I’m a sucker for teh love. And I still have huge killer hang-ups about certain deal breakers. If they occur in my area code even, everyone in it is contaminated and undateable. Anyone still wondering why I’ve been single more or less forever?I feel it’s a tad bit incompatible to actually want to date people, but have a list as long as — as.. ah well, as long as a very long list.. on dealbreakers.
Here’s a shortened version:
First part: My hang ups about body waste products.
1. Mentioning anything that has to do with human body waste products and thinking it is funny. It isn’t.
2. Not locking door while using the bathroom. Not fucking ok.
3. Talking to me, while I’m in the bathroom.
4. Making any sort of body noises without saying sorry, being ashamed etc. At all making them really..
5. Making fun of me for the four above mentioned. Trust me, I’ll kick you out that second.
Second part: My hang ups about Integrity.
6. Reading over my shoulder while I’m writing.
7. Keep asking me about my writing, what I’m writing, or when, or whatever just don’t go there ok?!
8. Reading my texts or answering my phone without permission.
9. Reading my MSN-windows.
10. Using my computer without asking. Or looking at stuff at my hard drive.
11. Not respecting me when I don’t want to explain, or want time alone, or anything like that.
Third part: My hang ups about Intelligence.
12. Acting like a wanker, will get you nowhere. Fact base your arguments, or shut up and let the grown-ups talk.
13. Not respecting my opinions.
14. Patronizing me. In any way.
15. Generally, stupidness. It’s a deal breaker.
Fourth part: The rest.
16. Low sence of humour? There’s the door and off you go.
17. Not very high social competence? There’s the door and off you go.
18. Commenting on my weight? There’s the etc.
19. Misogynistic comments? Door.
20. Racist? Door.
21. Insecure? Door.
22. No dress sence? Door.
23. Sports as only interest? Door.
.. and so on. So, is there still anyone at all surprised? I know I’m not. As someone said: “you have to lower your standards” (I think it was Cousken, but I think he quoted someone). I did that, but I think that I might need to lower them a bit more.
January 28, 2009 § Leave a comment
Teach the controversy!
The theory of gravity is a theory in crisis. Equal space should be given in school to teach the alternatives, like Intelligent Falling. Why is people so afraid to stand up on good xtian grounds and stop this horrible brain washing of our kids, never showing them the real true story, it’s impossible to not see that the only logical conclusion is that i god is pushing the objects down.
For anyone still out there thinking that “evolution is just a theory”, please, read this article on wikipedia and just accept the fact that you are on thin ice and should just stay quiet and feel the shame. And by the way, I’d say wikipedia might not always be the best source for information (if not checking the references and so on), but it is indisputably a better source then the bible.
It’s just lovely to loll around the internet and just read, like on Yahoo answers (I’m not linking to that shyte. It’s horrible. If there ever was a God, I think that sight would be an abomination.). Discussions with tens of christians saying “Big bang is just a theory, it doesn’t explain anything, without God there can’t be any life”. “No, you atheists are the devil and you will burn in hell. Jesus died for your sins and God loves everyone. Accept the truth or You will suffer eternal damnation!!!!11”. Yeah. Ok. Loves everyone, ey? And then the little dear xtians gets upset because the atheists makes fun of them. And so it continiues. It’s perfect activity for me since I don’t have any movie to watch tonight. Or the amazon.com forum! Oh, it’s wonderful! The atheists/brights/pantheists/etc there are seriously smart people. It’s just nice to see your own side constantly epic winning.
I don’t think many xtians would ever read this blog, but if you do. Please do explain to me why god hates amputees. Or why it’s ok to eat shrimps, but not for gays to marry. Why you avoid let’s say, killing people who try to stray from your faith in god , but think that the bible is the ultimate truth. I mean, if it WAS the ultimate truth, shouldn’t you just stone them all to death?
One thing I really do wonder though, is why xtians is on the internet at all? I mean, if your eye is cast on something blasphemous or sinful, you should rip it out, right? Because having only one eye is better then burning in the eternal fires of hell? And Come on, the intertubes is clogged with sin. I don’t even think reading the internet in braille get’s you away from the problem that if the internet contains sin in some parts, then all of it is sinful. Or is it ok to lie with a woman who is bleeding, if you avoid the blood? I mean, if you do even touch what she sat on, you have to wash, properly, and will stay unclean for awhile. Ok, I admit, I’m not sure if you have to sacrifice two turtles if you don’t engage in actuall intercourse, but still. (Leviticus by the way.. Had to google to find the verses in english and all that.)
Maybe it’s ok to use the intertubes if you wash your hands afterwards and kill a dove before going in to the church?
January 27, 2009 § Leave a comment
Don’t ever tell me to respect your religion, thank you, christian or muslim or jew or whatnot.
I do not believe in it, and therefore the rules of your religion doesn’t apply to me.
Religious people tend to forget that. Way too often.
How many people haven’t heard “Oh, you don’t have to believe in it, just never forget that Jesus died for your sins”.
Just how, exactly how stupid can you be? The concept of sin, of Jesus dying for me, etc, is what I don’t believe in! (amongst many other things, like prophets, fairies and unicorns.)
January 27, 2009 § Leave a comment
So, ok. I re-read yesterdays post and went “omg, why do I sound like a drugged housewife in happy-land?”, maybe there was something in my food.
I think it’s the english thing again, it’s hard to sound smart in another language then your first, you end up sounding like some la-la-ing moron with the brains of a drugged and comatoze caterpillar.
I read an article in a swedish “news” paper just now, about why the new male stereotype is a post teenager that never lets go of his PS3. I’m talking positive stereotyping now, you know, the boyish looks, the male friendships, the trendiness and metrosexuality. The theory was that this came as a result from various things all related to the role of their dads more or less, and slightly tilted because womens role has become more serious. Yeah, men lives in such a bubble, don’t they.
Is it just me thinking it is damn obvious that the reason that men never really grow up is because women do? First: They don’t have to any more. Who would if you didn’t? Second, if women takes responsibility for something, it automatically becomes low statur. Women go to university? Home made man is the thing, no education, work your way up. Women read fiction? Men read facts (for those of you who don’t know, fiction was suppose to make women insane, we were too weak to understand it wasn’t real or something.), fiction is waste of time. Women write about politics? They’re bitter. Men write about politics? They have insight. To quote Magnus Betnér: “Being a dick is bad, but being a cunt is always worse.”. So, while women try to actually make something out of their lifes, trying to get a career is now boring, dull and low status, while playing PS3, becoming reach for making an ass of yourself a la random MTV-fucktards and such, is high status. When women started to enter the intellectual circles for real, it became fashionable to be dumb and uneducated. A real man work with his hands, or a real man don’t talk about blahblah, he does something about it instead. Blah blah.
Here in sweden, about 60% of higher ed-spots are occupied by women. It might get higher. Do men want to actually have a functioning and equal society around them, if so, they should shape up and get an education. Because I don’t think this will hold for ever. Higher education can’t stay as low status, since most jobs demand it. Instead the market will ever so slowly start favoring women, and suddenly it’s we who are on the high status end. It was suppose to be equal, and if men only could stop shunning whatever females been close to like kindergarden kids, it might be easier to get there.
And don’t throw the new friendly soft metrosexual in my face, the guy who talks about feelings and drinks lattes. We all know that the glue of that ideal was that it existed only inside a “no women”-zone.
I know, to most people this is a non-issue. For some reason, feministic discussions are less important then any other discussion about equality. I mean, off course everyone should be treated equal regardless of skinncolor, but now women, they always nag about everything. Lets leave them out of this.
Oh, and now to something completely different:
If you are in need of the perfect procrastinator, I’ve found it with the help of Carp and krinkle and the others on CHAOS (I seriously can’t remember who it was.). Here it is
I mean, who doesn’t want to spend all day watching a live feed of random african animals?
January 26, 2009 § 2 Comments
It’s monday morning and in my head I can hear Nico and Velvet Underground sing, even though I’m trying to turn it off. This is the day to start over, not a day for dwelling in nostalgia angst. I finished all my left over work for school last week and it feels good to be free. I spent the weekend marvelling at the fact that I didn’t have to do anything. Such a great feeling.
Two days in Skurup did wonders for my motivation and go get-attitude, which was down on crawl try by now. I still have things that needs to be finished if I’m ever gonna be able to get out of this country, but right now I’m gonna take a week and just take care of myself. You know, Try to back away from panic mode. I’m a bit too close to the famous wall, it’s not so much about not running into it as it is about not repeatedly banging my head to it.
To hear Ida Börjel talk about her latest book was great, mostly because she does a lot of research for her poetry, and I can see my own mind in hers in a way. At least it feels like I can recognize and see myself in the level of nerdiness. It was really inspiring. Just like so many other things. Just to talk to the others about writing, about working with this, about being what is essentially me. That is what I am, a writer. It is how I recognize myself, I write, it’s what I do, how I breath and live.
I gained a lot of energy during those two days, and spring is probably coming soon, so I decided to make some changes, or at least try. I bought a printer (and copymachine, and scanner, it gives me megalomanian fantasies about scanning everything in the whole world muahahaha. etc.) so I can print out the whole manuscript and take a closer look at it. It’s time soon to start to look at problems with the storyline, is it too tangled? Selfcontradicting? So on. I’m going to try, for the hunnert and fourth time in my life, to get som structure.
Also I went on a walk this morning. I’m going to try at least this week, to go for three walks. Just this week first. Small small tiny steps at a time. The only functioning way to change your life.
It never works to say “I’m gonna start working out five times a week, 2 hours every time, and I’m gonna stop eating anything at all except green vegetables!”. If it does work, you should probably visit a psychiatrist and not a gym.
Having made this small changes, like taking a walk, eating a good healthy breakfast, buying a much needed printer, entitles me to do one very ritual thing. I’m buying a new notebook. This is something I always do when I change my life to the better. I buy notebooks, and a new pen. So when I’ve finished writing this, I’m gonna go downtown and buy a notebook and a pen, a design magazine (yeah, I’m pampering myself). And then I’m gonna kick start this week by printing all the 90 pages.
New life, new energy and new hairstyle.